“Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive - the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.” - don Miguel Ruiz
I encourage you to take notice next time you’re around an infant, a child that has not yet learnt to talk. Notice that they are completely authentic, they never pretend to be something they’re not. They live in the moment and their tendency is to play and explore. No one teaches them to be that way, they are born that way. They enjoy life.
Fast forward 30 years. How does that same child, now an adult, go from being free and authentic to having a countless list of insecurities and fears?
Simple answer is Programming.
We are born perfect, then along the way we make an agreement that we are not perfect and we believe the lie of our imperfection until the day we die.
How does this happen??
Once we start to learn language we can label objects, which is great because we can now ask for what we want.
What also happens at this point is that we start to listen to the people around us and we hear opinions about ourselves. Our mother tells us who we are. Our father tells us who we are. Our brothers/sisters tell us who we are. Our first teachers at school tell us who we are.
Even though all of their opinions are different, we take them on board.
What we learn from from all these people around us is what’s ‘right or ‘wrong’, what’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’, what’s ‘beautiful’ or ‘ugly’.
We get rewarded for being ‘good’ and punished for being ‘bad’.
This is where we start pretending to be someone else. We want to avoid the punishment and to get the reward, so we change our behaviour to get that outcome. Even if it means going against what we feel inside.
Now the lies begin.
If I have to pretend to be someone else then who I really am mustn’t be good enough, and therefore I’m not perfect.
These are the roots of the tree that sprout all the other lies we agree to.
The belief that I’m not perfect starts us on an endless journey searching for perfection. This journey is not only endless, it’s frustrating, very frustrating.
We constantly seek validation from everyone, even people we don’t associate with. We look to the tv/internet/magazines/etc to tell us what perfection is. It’s all bullshit, I can promise you that.
Once we make the belief/agreement/lie that I’m not good enough then as we age we must create other lies to support this like:
I’m not valuable
I’m not worthy
I’m not worthy of love
I’m not powerful
I don’t love myself
Life is hard
I fear failure
I need approval
And many, many more!
So we have this book that contains all of our beliefs & agreements. It’s kind of like our bible, we live by it and anything outside what’s written we feel very fearful about. The problem is our book is full of lies.
We stick to the book because it makes us feel safe.
For an example let’s talk about most people’s greatest fear, public speaking!
Because in our book of agreements we have the I can’t do public speaking agreement, when we’re called on to speak in front of a group we feel extreme fear.
The judge in our own mind refers to the book and sees that we aren’t perfect and we can’t do this. So the judge goes to work:
“You can’t do this”
“Who do you think you are?!”
“No one wants to hear what you have to say”
“You’re going to make a fool of yourself”
This abuse then changes our physiology; our palms start sweating, our heart is beating out of our chest, our stomach is turning, our voice becomes shaky, etc.
All this because when we were a child we agreed we’re not perfect, then due to another trivial event involving public speaking we agreed that we can’t do that.
It’s not truth.
The first step to tearing some pages out of the ‘book of lies’ is to create awareness around these agreements/beliefs.
Develop a laser focus on Fear. Whenever you feel that horrible feeling in your solar plexus then go within and ask yourself where it’s coming from. If you’re in immediate physical danger then fear is absolutely warranted. In any other case, it will be coming from a belief we have about ourselves.
For example, if there’s someone you see at a party and your instinct is to go and talk to them, then quickly you feel fear and you don’t, then ask yourself:
“Am I in any physical danger?”
The answer is No.
Then what is the agreement?
“I’m not comfortable talking to new people”
“I can’t approach strangers”
“I’m always awkward when talking to people”
“I always go red when talking to guys”
Which come back to……..
“I’m not perfect”
“I’m not good enough”
Whenever you go within and find an agreement that is stated in negative terms:
Now you know it’s just a belief, you have two choices.
Acknowledge it and now you’ll be aware of when it comes up in the future.
The other is to act in spite of it. Once that fear arises just say “I’m aware this a just a belief I have and it’s not truth.” Then step into the fear. In that moment you’ve just made that belief a little bit weaker.
You ARE good enough. You ARE perfect.
Completely accept yourself for the amazing, incredible, unique individual that you are!
Love yourself fully. Stop judging and beating yourself up.
Be you. The effortless and free YOU.
To find out what limiting beliefs you may be holding onto and how to erase them from your life, come in and see us for a Free Consultation at The Melbourne Centre of Healing.
Ryan Hassan - Co-Founder at The Melbourne Centre of Healing.